I Go Shopping

"Like it? I couldn't love that shirt more if it had a dick."

"What is this shit? Linen?"

"Can I show you something in men's underwear?"
Alternatively:
"Men's underwear is half off today."

Art said in the car this morning--after I subjected him to a monologue on my planned courses for the next two years--that my business card should list my specialties:

the dreamy, the spooky, and the sexy