The Onion

My horoscope this week reads:
"Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you'll soon be getting."
Uncanny. Now tell me you don't believe in astrology.

In the same issue, Patton Oswalt is quoted as referring to the KFC Famous Bowl--that heap of mashed potatoes, gravy, fried chicken, corn and melted cheese that ought to appear in the dictionary next to the Yiddish term khozzerei--as "a failure pile in a sadness bowl."